Lilies of the Field
“See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor and spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these…Do not worry about your life…Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying, can add a single hour to your life?” Selected verses from Matthew 6:25-34
If you’ve read a few of my earlier blog posts already, you may have noticed a recurring theme in my life. Worry. Fear. Anxiety.
It’s taken years of reflection to try to get at the source of the insecurity that has plagued me throughout most of my life. I can’t say that I have ever really pinpointed a moment, but lots of little moments that have accumulated. When I was 11 months old, my American parents moved us to South Africa. My earliest memories were of being painfully shy. I also recognized the feeling of not belonging when I started in nursery school. I was very aware that even though all I really knew was this life, I was a foreigner. This observation was only strengthened when I went on to grade school.
Paradoxically, when I was at home and around my family, I felt very safe and secure. My church taught me about the sovereignty of God and I took comfort in this. I also have unforgettable memories of trips to Kruger Park to see the animals, and to the breathtaking Drakensberg mountains with my brothers and parents. We went swimming in the Indian Ocean and also stayed in a historical place called Pilgrims Rest. Family life was good. The country itself was very beautiful in stark contrast to the ugliness of apartheid and the injustice I saw around me.
At 7, almost 8 years old, though, it was apparent that we would be moving back to America permanently. On the surface, I was thrilled to be moving closer to grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Oh, let’s not forget Disney World, candy vending machines and Saturday morning cartoons as well. Underneath my consciousness though, there was a current that was threatening to take me under. During the move, we made some stops in England, Germany and Portugal to see friends. As the plane to Portugal started its descent, we realized that we couldn’t land as expected. The plane proceeded to circle, and circle, and circle which felt like hours. I remember my first panic attack creeping up on that flight. The worry grew into a fear that left a metallic taste in my mouth, and nausea in my gut.
Somewhere along the way, I heard these words in Matthew that Jesus preached to His followers. I wish I could say that reading them was like a pill that I swallowed once, and it made all of my anxieties go away. Unfortunately, I would forget and succumb to these fears. Then, as if snapping out of amnesia, this passage would be called to mind. I proceeded to pull out Matthew 6:25-34, write it out on an index card and carry it around with me. I replaced the specific worries with the knowledge that my Heavenly was in control and that He cares for me.
“Lilies of the Field”, 48”x48”, Oil on Canvas, 2011, Private Collection, Cary NC
In 2011, my brother and his wife commissioned me to do a painting for their home and they specifically asked for a field of flowers. My mother grew flowers wherever we lived and I could just imagine the smell of the yellow pollen and the cool velvety texture of the white petals. When they asked for a field of flowers, I knew exactly what to paint. The image of this field of lilies serves as a peaceful reminder not to worry.